Another Little Bisha Adventure

(19 Weeks)

Second baby, you are oh so different from your sister already. You were just as planned and just as wanted as your big sister, but everything about the start of your life is a 180 degree turn from Lucy's. The first trimester was an absolute dousy. Five weeks in, I got a stomach bug and didn't come out from the fog of that for another five weeks. Five weeks after that, and I finally had some energy back, which is good, because your big sis and your dad have a lot of energy. Now I am feeling well and riding bike and working out and feeling much more like myself. Not having the energy to give Lucy that I can usually give was really hard for me. I figured there would be an end point to the awful feelings, but they really knocked me out. I have also gained almost as much already as I did with Lucy on the day I gave birth to her. That has been really difficult to deal with, as well. This baby is already moving and grooving, though. I felt the first little flutter when we were falling asleep one evening at Disneyland last week and the baby has just been getting more and more active.

But circumstances are just different this time. No personal trainer, two bed apartment, ridiculous cost of living, one main income, and one kid already in private school full time. The first time around there was the same amount of anxiety. It was just an entirely different set of anxieties. We have a changing table, we have wipes, and diaper rash cream, and bottles, and I know how to breastfeed and pump, and I know just how tired we are going to be. I don't have a single worry about labor and delivery, I know what brand diapers to use and that we can parent together and be good enough at it. Mostly I am worried about Lucy. I am nervous about how our relationship will change, and I know it will. I also have no clue where and how everyone will sleep. No idea. We need an apartment where we can have a full size bed in another room. We put in for a transfer within the village. Then involves moving and transitions, though, and that all causes anxiety. A bigger apartment is more expensive, of course, and two children in care is going to be expensive, too. We'll do it. Short term sacrifices for long term gains. With Lucy, it wasn't easy, but I quit my job when she was 4 months old and we moved when she was 5 months old. I was taking the GRE and applying for grad school and we packed up and shipped out the West Coast. We are here now, and we aren't going any where until I graduate. I can take as much time as I need, but there isn't a huge savings any more to cover our expenses. My job doesn't bring in much, but it does cover some extras, like going to Disneyland and my health insurance. 

We haven't officially told Lucy yet, although she definitely knows in her own little almost 3 year old way. She looked at me point blank a few weeks ago and asked, "do you have a baby in your belly, mum?" I told her we would talk about it later. We want to have the 20 week ultrasound before we go making any big announcements to her sweet and tender soul. I think we will put together a little gift bag for her...a book, a card, a big sister shirt, and a special something. She loves gifts and is grateful if you find a rock and tell her you found it just for her. (She'll probably lose her mind with gratitude and joy on her birthday and Christmas this year). Our good friends just had a new baby a few weeks ago and he fell asleep in my arms yesterday. She curled up on the couch beside me and rubbed his tiny baby feet and soft hair with the most gentle, loving touch. I know it won't like that all the time when the baby doesn't go home, but we have started watching Daniel Tiger with his baby sister and we talk all the time about babies. "I hear a baby crying...I bet that baby needs milk and a diaper." And now when she hears a baby crying, she says the same thing. She'll be annoyed and we'll be all be exhausted for the first few months. Overall, a family of four sounds just right.

I have decided to receive prenatal care from a birthing center with midwives this time around. There are so many reasons that I don't have the energy to get into here and now. Mostly, I want to feel like people giving me care know and care about me. I don't want to stay in the hospital for three days away from first born and I don't want unnecessary medical intervention. I do want it if it is necessary, but only then. We will go tour the local hospital at some point in the third trimester in the event that we transfer our care over there. Typically, pregnancies and babies don't go as planned and we want to have all of our options. Besides insurance hassles, I love going to the birthing center and, after much toiling, feel like we have made the best for our family at this point in time. 

So, we are excited. And nervous. And we have so few worries that were there at this time three years ago and a million that we didn't know existed the first time around. Lucy is getting more independent every day and she is drawn to little ones. She loves being a "great teacher" and is so helpful I eat her up sometimes. Second baby, your going to round out our family. It is going to be great. It just might take a little time to get there.