Up, Up & Away!

"Happy Babiyah!"

At this time last August I was a complete and total mess. I was experiencing intense separation anxiety, felt uneasy about our childcare situation, and though stats was going to eat me alive. We were barely sleeping, I wasn't exercising, and I was frantic about EVERYTHING relating to breast milk and Lucy's nutrition. Here we are now. Day two of the Fall 2016 semester. I knew class started at 10 after the hour, even though they are scheduled on the hour. I was not wearing yoga pants NOR sneakers to class yesterday. I got to pick my classes. I dropped Lucylou off at the magical world of Nia House and biked to campus, swam, and got to class ten minutes early having already read the syllabus and completed the assignment. My class was phenomenal. The professor knew ALL of names ten minutes into class. She based her syllabus off of learning (versus performance ) goals. She was interesting, thoughtful, and provided an opportunity for small group discussion, large group discussion, and movement. It was like a dream. The topic is Maternal and Child Health and I am in heaven learning about this material.

Hiking & climbing baby.

The paper I turned in at the end of last semester was a mess. A terrible, sloppy, embarrassing mess. I was so tired and stats was running my life. I spent August reading, revising, and writing and almost have the first draft of my first position paper ready to go. When I started the program I couldn't remember how to research, read, annotate, write, and cite. Now it is flowing out of me like water. We will see what my professors think of my work, but it is such a vast improvement over last year that I will take any criticism they have knowing I have lots to learn.

Lulubean is teething two molars. They are pretty brutal and finally gave in and drugged her with acetaminophen. She calmed right now and we all got a little more sleep. Last night her and frog were playing together from about 4:00-5:00 a.m. I told her it was time to sleep. I rolled over and dozed off. Her and frog had a nice party and she finally passed out at 5 after being up since 2:30 with tooth pain and a raspy, dry cough followed by a steam room and a cup of yogurt. She hasn't been eating much for dinner and hasn't been pooping much. On top of the molars, we haven't done a lot of sleeping this week.

How Lucy does potty work.

I also had orientation two nights in a row for my new GSI as an athletic tutor. I didn't even get to see her after she got home from school yesterday because I had class until 5. I am assuming some of her sleep protests this week is related to separation anxiety. She cries if I go to the bathroom (even with the door wide open) and keeps telling me, "Mommy sit. Mommy stay." I am grateful for the time we have spent together for the first year and a half of her life. We just finished nursing a few weeks ago and, while we both have some emotional difficulty with this at times, it is pretty clear that it was good timing. This is the furthest apart feeling we have ever been. She is busy, busy and doesn't want to be held as much. She can walk to playground and doesn't need to ride in the front carrier. Sometimes when she is sleeping I scooch right up against her, smell her sleepy little head, and fall asleep as close to her as I can get.

There are number of consoling factors for me. The first is that she seems to love going to Nia House. She never protests being dropped off and many of the kids are anxious to see her when we arrive in the mornings. She is speaking in two-five word phrases since she started there. Her teacher reported she looked at a little friend the other day and said, "Evan, help please." She is saying "helpies" (help please) all the time at home. She walks around saying, "up, up, and away!" Her gross and fine motor skills are developing rapidly, as well. She absolutely cannot stop jumping. She jumps everywhere. She loves it. Her little jumps are even propelling her in a forward motion now. She is a sharing and kind friend and is learning to kindly greet everyone she sees with a wave, smile, or a "helwo." The other day she told me, "mama, up, me, sit, eat." Translation: "Mama, please pick me up so I can sit on your lap and finish eating." I was flabbergasted. So clear. So helpful. And of course I complied with the request. The other thing she is saying is that brings me endless joy is, "happy babiyah!" It is absolutely as cute as can be. And that she is.

Tree climbing at Castle Rock State Park

The second reason that is helping me stay focused is that I get more choice in my direction this year. I get to write and read about topics I am interested in. I chose all of my classes and my schedule. No more six hours a week of stats plus homework. When I feel purposeful and productive, it makes it easier to be away from my jumping bean. Her and Jim are at a slightly rocky spot in their relationship, too. She finds him much more enjoyable when I am not around and he is picking her up from school three days a week. He is also not distracted my silly household tasks, which means he is only with her when they are alone together. I am always wanting to get one more chore done, to finish up the dishes, or get dinner going. He just plays and reads and sings.

Hammock napping at Castle Rock State Park.

Lastly, I was so intensely, fully, and wholeheartedly devoted to being a mama for the past 20 months that I am having a small streak of selfishness. I want to write my papers. I want to get sleep. I want to work out (I did six pull-ups today!). I want to make healthy dinners. I want to read. I want to keep my boobies to myself. My devotion to our darling girl hasn't waned in the slightest, but my anxiety has. If we hadn't found Nia House, I would certainly be feeling differently. But I know I want to be productive outside of being a mum mum. That is why are here, after all. A little less guilt, a little less anxiety, and a better balance all make being Luey's mum mum more enjoyable and less stressful anyway.